Cartoon by Ben Boyd © August, 2004 All Rights reserved.
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InjuryMan Too Injured to Write Column

InjuryMan Injured

Sainted Ground, CA - Area runner and writer Talent O. Bucketts was too weak and injured to write his weekly Injury advice column this week.

Bucketts was apparently injured when he slipped while opening a box of sharpened pencils "to write my column", said Bucketts. He skidded on a No. 2 Ticonderoga, slammed into his big screen TV which then careened on top of him as he fell onto four more skyward pointing Ticonderogas which freakishly pierced his right buttock.

Oddly enough those injuries were not enough to stop the intrepid wordsmith. Some how he managed to wriggle one hand free from the wreckage and tried to extricate the wayward pencils from his backside "so as to avoid embarrassment." And through almost mind boggling wrist-wrenching perserverance Bucketts almost succeeded in his endeavor before blacking out. Alas the damage was done and Bucketts was discovered unconscious by his running buddies who had him lifeflighted to the Mayo Clinic where he was hospitalized with a severe case of writer's cramp.

Movie Review: Marathon 9:11
This movie, to paraphase Charles Dickens, "was the worst of times. It was the worstest of times."

Marathon 9:11 is a documentary film capturing the 2003 Marine Corps Marathon as run by local runner, one-time 2:50 marathoner and shoe maven, Rich VanMoore. VanMoore paid an undisclosed amount to moviemaker Michael Moore to chronical his performance in the marathon which was meant to represent the culmination of VanMoore's lifetime achievement in the realm of runningdom.

And run the marathon he does... all nine hours and eleven minutes of it. Seldom have so many viewers been subjected to so little for so long, onscreen. Every torturously slow stride is captured on celluloid, oozes out of the projector and trudges relentlessly across the screen.

Without giving away the plotline, VanMoore's film highlights include:

• Screeds about how the "elite" 8-minute per mile marathoners get all the media coverage.
• Fighting with Marine officials to allow him to stay on the race course despite being hours over the cut-off time.
• Stopping every hour (approximately every 3 miles) at the nearest fast food places to "refuel."
• Insisting on taking a potty break on the Whitehouse lawn.
• Fighting with Whitehouse security.
• Cursing course officials for removing the finish line banner prior to his arrival.
• Vowing to return again next year to revenge [sic] himself.

To sum up, if you get the chance to see this at a local theater or on DVD pass it up.